What if we never reconnected?

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What if we never reconnected? What if you never spotted me at that party? What if I never got your number? What if I never sent you that message? Would we have ever reconnected? I wasn’t sure if it was a date but I was excited at the thought. What if we didn’t live so close? Would it have changed things? What if I never called you my boo? Would we have conversed the same? What if you never made me laugh? My cheeks ache at the thought. I love your smile and your spirit. What if I never got to witness it? We were just catching up right? What if you never touched my hands? We joked about the church hug, but my face burned with the feelings of yesterday. Only yesterday was years ago. Who could have known how it would feel today? I didn’t. I truly didn’t. What if I didn’t allow myself to trust you? Put my faith in you? Let you guide me to wherever we need to go. You know I like control. But you challenged me. What if you didn’t? But somehow deep down you know I needed it. That gentle finger under my chin tilting my head up. Reminding me to meet your eyes. The sparks I left were electric, reverberating through my bones. It was like I was a teen again. I shivered from each gentle touch. How could I feel this way so soon? You told me that I could be myself with you. That I could present you with all of me. What if that was never on the table? Would we be where we are today? Would I want to be your everything? Would I want you to kiss me slowly? Would I want you to love me down to my toes? I wouldn’t. I want it all or nothing. And I do mean all. Give me the bad, the good, even the misunderstood. I’m here for every hour of every day. So yes get lost in me, I wouldn’t want anything less.

What if we never said yes?

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What if we never did this? What if we both never met? You never said hello, I never said hi? What if our eyes never connected? What if you never caught my name? What if I never laughed at your jokes? I never touched your arm? What if we never had a chance to be us? That magical date never happened. You never opened my door. You never licked the ice cream from my lips. You never pulled me between your legs. What if we never kissed? I never felt the warmth of your breath on my neck. Our foreheads never touched. What if you never drank me up, drop by drop? I don’t know man. What if you never opened my eyes? What if you never made me your favorite girl? Who would we be? Would you be the star of my life? Would you be my lover? My confidant? I never want to think about what if again. I’ll say yes again and again and again.

What if I told you I loved him?

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What if I told you I loved him? What if I told you that my heart was torn in two? That I could be in love with both of you. That my chest aches in anticipation of seeing his face. That my heart swells in your embrace. How could I not own that I love you both? I love you differently but fully. I don’t expect you to understand. That would be too much for me to ask of you. But then again… this is all too much, isn’t it? You didn’t ask for this and neither did I. All I’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved, and now I have more than I bargained for. I never wanted this for us, I never wanted this for you. Consider this my goodbye, I have to let it all go. Too much has been lost, so much has been sacrificed and too many hearts have been hurt. So farewell my love and may you love and be loved again, but this time in a way that doesn’t hurt.

A superwoman received her wings

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A superwoman received her wings

My grandmother was a legend. It still feels raw to refer to her in past tense. Mainly because even though she is gone in the physical I know her presence lies within everyone she touched. LaMae Collis did not have a middle name. But you would find that she was not lacking in identity nor character. You see, I’ve lived with my grandmother for the most important parts of my life. She has been through every pivotal moment, highs and lows. Imagining a life without her was not in the plans. I thought I’d have a grandchild to show her. A grandchild for her to nurse, cuddle, swaddle. I wanted my child to have what I had in her. I thought she had more time.

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What could have been.

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I spotted him as the bus pulled up. He was around six-foot-two, the color of hot chocolate with touch of whip cream. He had broad shoulders, strong hands and a beard I unexpectedly loved. It was neat and framed his face. I instantly thought about how his beard would feel tickling my lips. I was blushing as I walked up to him. It was awkward but no more than to be expected. We were both a little reserved, lots of smiling. I stopped at the hotel and he stayed in the lobby while I went upstairs to freshen up. We decided to head out and catch the tail end of brunch at one of his favorite spots.  Things started to ease up a bit. Unlimited mimosas will help most people get comfortable. The champagne bubbles had me warm and relaxed. By the end of our third drink our friendly banter eased into a familiar yet unknown place.

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