What could have been.

I ended up taking the bus to see him. I took an early bus up with plans to return the next morning. Grateful that they agreed to let me check-in early, those hotel points definitely came in handy. He told me he mapped out an entire day of activities for us.

I spotted him as the bus pulled up. He was around six-foot-two, the color of hot chocolate with touch of whip cream. He had broad shoulders, strong hands and a beard I unexpectedly loved. It was neat and framed his face. I instantly thought about how his beard would feel tickling my lips. I was blushing as I walked up to him. It was awkward but no more than to be expected. We were both a little reserved, lots of smiling. I stopped at the hotel and he stayed in the lobby while I went upstairs to freshen up. We decided to head out and catch the tail end of brunch at one of his favorite spots.  Things started to ease up a bit. Unlimited mimosas will help most people get comfortable. The champagne bubbles had me warm and relaxed. By the end of our third drink our friendly banter eased into a familiar yet unknown place.

Now that we were relaxed the day was flowing naturally. Walt told me he had a few things planned for us. We were going bowling. I love bowling and was glad that we were doing something hands on. I watched him as he stole peeks at me. The rush of seeing him was flowing through me. My cheeks hurt from smiling. I had better get a grip on things before all this smiling gave me a headache. Despite his calm appearance I could see in his eyes a desire that I hoped matched mine.

After bowling, which I won, we took a walk along the pier.  We laughed and spoke jovially about our initial reactions to meeting each other. We talked about traveling and our big life dreams.  As the sun started to set Walt dropped me back at the hotel so that I could get ready for dinner.  As I got out of the car and took a few steps, I looked back. He was still there, watching me walk away. I playfully blew him a kiss and went upstairs. That’s how I knew I had gotten loose. I would have never done that on a first date. I just didn't take those types of risks.

As I dressed in front of the mirror I realized I was happy with my decision to come and see him. Walking out of the hotel, I felt sexy, and hoped that I looked as good as I felt. I opted for a black A-line dress with thin shoulder straps. The dress had a black gold zipper down the full length of my back. I looked good. No, I looked great.

I looked at my phone and saw a text that he was here.  I met him in the lobby. My heels clicked across the lobby, announcing my arrival.

Seeing me, he paused long before he hugged me.

“Wow. You look amazing.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you ready?”

“I’m all set.”

I never had a special thing for beards but I really had one for his.

We pulled up to a cute Thai restaurant. It was very romantic, with dimmed lights, and unique decor.  I ordered plum wine while we talked and nibbled on appetizers as we waited for our entrees.  Getting to know each other on a more intimate level, we spoke about each other’s fears, regrets and biggest accomplishments.

After our entrees we moved to the lounge area. It was set up with small semi private booths. Once we were settled Walt moved to sit next to me instead of across from me. I felt a rush of warmth as his thighs met with mine. He made jokes and we laughed. He just swore I wouldn’t be able to beat him in bowling again. I let him keep thinking that, or at least I tried to.

“That wasn’t a fluke. I can beat you again no problem.”

“Oh really?”

“Really” I said getting in his face.

And that is when he kissed me. I looked at him and he kissed me again, this time cupping the side of my face. I felt his tongue enter my mouth, both of our tongues sweet with wine.  Sucking slowly on my bottom lip, I closed my eyes.

He pulled away slowly. I looked away trying to get myself together. I even tried to give myself a quick silent pep talk. But the evidence was all over. I was aroused, in every sense of the word.

We stared at each other for a while. He reached over and squeezed my thighs.  I had to excuse myself to the ladies room. I felt the heat rise to my breasts. I freshened up my makeup and went back to our booth. 

“You ready to go?”

“Yes. We can head out” He called the waiter over and settled our bill. The ride back to the hotel was unseasonably quiet. I sat with my legs crossed looking out the window. He pulled up to the hotel and we sat in silence for a moment.

“I really enjoyed this day out. Thanks for being such a good host”

“Not a problem, it wouldn’t have been so good without you.”

We sat in silence, just absorbing the moment. He moved in first, and I met him halfway letting his lips touch mine gently. I savored the delicate nature of the kiss. He rested his hand on my cheek, and I raised mine to hold his. His nose resting slightly on mine. I lifted my head kissing him deeper than I had all night. He kissed me back just as deep.  As my arousal began to peak he slid his hands down my arms, letting them rest on my waist.  His lips found their way to my neck and the tension fell from my body.

I pulled away. He slowly sat back.

“It’s kind of early” Walt said as he glanced at the clock. “Are you tired? Maybe we can do something else. The night is young.”

“Sure, we can watch a movie or something”

“Are you going to stay awake?” He asked. I laughed. I had told him all about my sleeping through movies habit.

“I can’t make any promises but I will stay up for a while. Why don’t you come up to the room and we can rent something on demand.”

“Sure, I’ll come up for a little while.”

He parked the car and headed upstairs.

“Make yourself at home” I said. “I’m going to change into something more comfortable”

I changed into a camisole and some lounge pants. We watched movies for an hour and a half before I finally fell asleep.

I woke up out of my slumber and I heard him getting ready to leave. I jumped up and asked where he was going.

“I’ll be back in the morning, you are tired. Get some rest”

“No, don’t leave. Stay with me for the night.” I could see him giving it some thought.

He eventually agreed and took his shoes back off. I changed out of my lounge pants into pajama shorts and climbed in the king size bed.

“Climb in.”

Walt eventually took off his pants and sweater, climbing in with just his t-shirt and boxers. He was sure to stay on his side of the bed as we watched television. I lay still trying to fall asleep. But all I could think about was him next to me. I could feel his body heat radiating and I wanted to soak it all up, every last drop.

Lying in the bed with him behind me...  I couldn’t focus on anything other than the rhythm of our breaths. I could feel his presence even though our skin wasn’t touching.  I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I couldn’t tell if he was sleep or not. I was too nervous to even change positions, so I just laid there soaking him in. Walt shifted in the bed.

“Are you sleep? Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m not sleep yet. I am okay.”

I pulled the comforter up to my chin, nuzzling it against the side of my face. But this made no sense, cause I had him right here.  I slowly turned over to face him. Even in the dark I could see a smile start to creep onto his face.


“Hi” I smiled softly. “I can’t sleep”

Lying on his back he signaled for me to get closer. I scooted over and placed my head in his arms with my hand on his chest.


“Better” I admitted. But this only made me more anxious. His body felt so new yet familiar all at once. I breathed in all the different scents. His cologne, his deodorant and his breath laced with alcohol enticed me. My senses slowly slid into overload. I looked up at him. He looked down at me. I sat up slightly and just looked at him.


I shook my head, and mouthed nothing. I put one finger on his lips silencing him as I moved in and kissed him softly at first. I pulled back just barely enough that my lips were tickled by his mustache. I kissed him again longer and firm, taking time to dwell on his bottom lip. I felt his body release underneath me, inviting me closer. I accepted the invitation, melting into his arms kissing him deeply.  I pulled my hair to the side and looking in his eyes in between kisses. He put his hand on the back of my neck and kissed me hard, his tongue exploring my mouth. The strength in which he held me made my limbs go weak. He kissed my shoulders, across my collarbone, up my neck and lastly resting his mouth on my earlobes.

I shivered with delight, smiling involuntarily. I expanded my legs fully around his body. I wanted to feel all of him. I could feel him begin to stiffen underneath me. I bit my lip as he kissed and sucked on my neck. His hands slid down my back, down my ass and rested briefly on my thighs. As he found his way back to my lips, his hands returned to my ass. He softly palmed each ass cheek alternating between a light squeeze and gliding up and down. My shorts were silky; his hands slowly pulled them up exposing more of my thighs and the bottom of my ass to his delight. He sat up, pulling me up with him. Now I was sitting directly up, facing him. I felt him growing underneath me and my arousal rose instantly. All it would take is one pass of his hand to feel the heat and moisture emanating between my legs.

I closed my eyes in mild embarrassment.  With my arms around his neck I leaned over his shoulder. Walt leaned back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes" I whispered.

I can’t pinpoint what but something changed. The energy in the room shifted. He pulled us both back down to the bed. I looked up from his chest and he gave me a soft kiss on the forehead. It was then I knew that this would not go any further.  I slid over to my side of the bed, frozen in my feelings and breathed in deeply for what seemed like the first time since he got on the bed.

“I think it is best that I head on home. I will be back in the morning”

My shoulders dropped.

“What?” I pleaded for him to stay. I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind, but it was clear something had happened here.  I climbed out of the bed and looked up at him, giving him my best doe eyes and soft pout.

“Don’t go.” I pleaded for him to stay. He paused. I put my arms around his waist and my head on his chest. It might have seemed childish but I really didn’t want him to leave.

“Okay, okay I will stay” he finally said. “But, I am going to sleep in the living room on the couch.” I didn’t bother fighting this. I knew his mind was made up. This was our compromise. I watched him take a pillow and the extra blanket out of the closet.  I stood in the doorway while he told me goodnight. I could hear in his voice that he wanted it to be lighthearted, but it felt ominous. I said my good night and headed back to the bed.  Eventually the thoughts clouding my mind dissipated and I fell into a thick dreamless sleep.

I woke up remembering how the previous night played out. I crept silently out of the bed to see if he was awake. But deep down I wasn’t even sure if he would still be there. But he was there, fast asleep. I could tell by the angle he slept at that he wasn’t comfortable.  I crept back out of the room and headed to the shower.  Still sleep when I got out, I slowly began to moisturize my skin. I knew we had time so I let him sleep in. I turned on the television in the bedroom and got caught up in a show when I heard him come in to the room. I was still wrapped in my towel with my hair wrapped in a scarf.

“Good morning, how did you sleep?”

“Good morning, I slept okay. How are you?”

“I’m good.” I replied.

“I’m going to freshen up in the bathroom.” I nodded in recognition. 

By the time he got out of the shower I had let my hair down again. It was in loose curls. I had on a chocolate mesh bra and matching panty. I was in the mirror before I noticed him standing and watching me from the bathroom.

“You’re beautiful you know”

I blushed and looked at him.

“Thank you. You are quite handsome you know”

I reached to cover myself with the towel. This is the most naked he had seen me yet. I could feel my nipples harden as he watched me cover up. My panty and bra matched my complexion perfectly. I looked and felt naked. The mesh was so sheer I could see my nipples through the bra.

Realizing he was staring, he walked into the living room and turned on the television. After a few minutes I followed him in. I sat next to him in my towel.

“So about last night...”

“What about it?” he asked.

“Well, you seemed bothered, something changed, something happened.”

“I wasn’t sure if proceeding was the best idea for us at that moment. I wasn’t sure if that’s really what you wanted. I didn’t want to ruin things”

I sat and thought for a second. “You could have asked me”

“Well were you ready for that? Sex?”

“I don’t know to be honest. But I’m a big girl. I can handle my decisions”

“Can you?”

I didn’t respond.

I sat up straight and looked at him. He waited for an answer. I removed my towel, pushing his shoulders back against the couch. I slid my right leg over him and straddled him. Still in his boxers and t-shirt, I inched closer on his lap.

“I can”

I said this as I let my lips glide across his beard to his lips. This time I didn’t want to send the wrong impression. I kissed him hungrily. Taken a back, it took him a second to return his tongue with just as much fervor. I needed this and I needed him to know it. His hands made their way to my ass. He squeezed my ass with one hand and rubbed my back with the other. I slowly gyrated on his lap feeling his manhood come to life. He kissed me along my collarbone. With one swift motion he picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. I was wet with desire.

Laying me on my back, he looked into my eyes and his fingers made circles around my nipples. I closed my eyes and clenched my thighs while he sucked my nipples through my mesh bra. I wouldn’t last any time at this rate. I brought his face back to mine and kissed him again. I massaged his manhood as we kissed for what felt like years. His hand slid between my legs and a moan escaped from my lips. It was almost like that’s what he was waiting for.

His touch intensified. Rubbing my nipples at the same time with his other hand. My legs began to open more to him as his slid his hand in my panties feeling the wetness for himself. Walt pulled continued to look at me while slowly massaging my clit. I turned my eyes away as it got too intense. Rubbing my hands across his chest I slowly inched his shirt up. He paused and took it off. I stared in admiration; I loved the broadness of his chest. I moved closer to the middle of the bed and he pulled me back, pulling my panties off with ease.

Standing at the side of the bed he took off his boxers, watching me watch him.  I was pretty sure he could hear my heartbeat. My body tensed as I watched him slowly move toward me in the nude. Dark chocolate and smooth from head to toe.  He pulled my hands and I sat up. Unsnapping my bra with ease, my breasts fell free. Taking my hands again he pulled me up. Our bodies were intertwined. I felt him hard against my thigh and I knew he could feel my nipples erect against his chest. My body had never felt so free. Slowly he sat on the bed, pulling me close taking my left nipple in his mouth with ease and a delicate touch.  I gasped as he switched nipples. I pulled away out of fear. It felt too good. I couldn’t handle it.  Maybe he was right.

Walt stood up and pushed me back onto the bed. I crawled to the middle. In between kisses on my neck he spoke to me.

“You said you wanted this.”

“I do. I do.” I said breathily while opening my legs to accommodate his body. I could feel him now. Fully erect resting on me, lips slick with desire. I could feel the pressure building. He would be inside of me soon. I opened my thighs wider, thrusting my body towards him. I needed it now. As he entered me I closed my eyes and my grip on his arm tightened. A moan was caught in my throat.

“Are you okay?”

I shook my head yes, as he gave me all of him. I turned my head in pleasure. It was all I could do to not melt.  As his thrusts got deeper I held the back of his neck and we watched each other. The moment stilled.

I lifted my legs up letting him enter me deeper. He moaned in pleasure. Holding the back of my thighs I felt an orgasm growing inside of me.

“Fuck me” I said quietly. 

Walt looked up, unsure if he had heard me correctly. I looked up and guided his hand to my neck. Showing recognition in his eyes, he tightened his grip and started fucking me deeper and hard. I held his wrist, feeling his fingers around my neck I let out moan after moan. My legs began to shake in the air. He knew I was near. Slightly tightening his grip around my neck my vagina clenched reflexively around him as I came. I whimpered and gasped for air as my body released.

His arm slid away from my neck and he stroked me slowly while kissing my body. I rubbed his head pulling him into me. Turning me over I sat on top of him as he played with my nipples. I kissed him deeply as I rode him. His skin was hot to the touch. Walt tried to speak but I silenced him with my tongue. I stood up in squat position and let out a sob as I felt every inch of him enter me. My thighs burned as I rode him with his hands under me. I knew he was near and fighting against it. Pulling me back down we rolled over and he entered me from behind. I moaned loud as he kissed me down the center of my back. My skin felt more charged each time his lips kissed the skin along my spine. With one hand on my shoulder he thrusted into me deep. I just knew the hotel would be knocking as I moaned loudly, rocked with waves of a new orgasm. I could hear his grunts as he picked up the intensity.

Putting his finger in my mouth I sucked it deeply letting it fall across my lips each time. His body tightened as he came and I felt his body weight as we collapsed to the bed.

After several moments we disentangled our bodies and laid on our backs. He went to the bathroom and brought back a hot wash cloth for us both.

“Are you okay?

“I’m ok” I turned to look at him and smiled. He returned a soft grin. I looked at the clock.

“Oh man. I might miss my bus.” He rolled over looking at the clock.

“I think you can make it”. I slid out of the bed and went to freshen up.  I quietly packed my things and we both got dressed, mostly in silence.

Once I was all packed he pulled me onto his lap on the couch. I smiled and kissed him softly. He tightened his grip around my waist.

“I enjoyed this time with you, and not just because of that, but all of It.”

“I did too. I really did” I was scared to say anything else. I did not want my mouth to betray my heart. I looked away.

“What?” he asked.

I shook my head and smiled. I got my things and started walking out of the door. He let me lead and walked behind me. Once we reached outside he put my bags in the car and we made small talk. It was bittersweet you know... leaving. He drove most of the way to the station with his hand on my thigh.  I sat with my head back gazing out the window, occasionally stealing glimpses of each other. We got to the bus station and I had about 10 minutes before the bus would leave. We joked about me staying another night. We laughed cryptic laughs, unsure of each other’s intentions. He gave me a deep hug, my arms naturally going around his neck.

“Let me know when you get in”

“I will” I didn’t really know what to say next, or if there was anything else to be said.

We exchanged soft quick kisses, dwelling just a second longer than we needed and then I was off. I decided not to look back. It took everything in me not to.

But I was scared to find out if he would still be there.

I wasn't ready to come off my weekend high.  But I knew I had to. Even though I was older and wiser the temporary insanity was still setting in. After getting new dick I never how to act. Let me rephrase, new amazing dick. I should be used to this by now but it always hit me. A wave of anxiety began to settle over me. The first twenty-four to seventy-two hours after having sex with a new person are so vulnerable for me. I liked to call it dickmatization. Jill Scott has spoken of it, so I know I am not alone in this fight.

After I settled in at home I let Walt know I was home safe. I took a long hot shower, using all my aromatherapy soaps and oils. Feeling refreshed and relaxed, I snuggled in bed with the lights out even though it was the middle of the afternoon. I laid down for a bit then rolled over to find my phone. My phone was blinking with notifications.

"I’m glad you got home safe. What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

"No serious plans. I might just make a quick trip to the grocery store and whip up some dinner in time for my shows."

"Oh, I almost forgot. Don’t forget your wine."

"Never. I’ll be picking that up also. "

"Haha. Good. Well I am actually about to head out and run some errands. I’ll catch up with you tonight."

"Sounds good."

See that was easy. All I had to do was play it cool and these 72 hours would fly by. Right? Surprisingly the answer to that was yes. I managed to make it through the first three days without major incident. I only had one or two slip ups where I daydreamed about a forever life with him. But then again, I can do that without having sex. I must say that Walt played a part in this as well. We maintained our normal communication and things never felt weird.

I loved to debrief things. I can't help it; I like to talk about what happened. I wanted to know how he felt about my visit, in detail. No detail is too small in my world.  But Walt wasn't a man of many words, so I did not want to force the issue. But a few nights after my visit, he brought the topic on his own and I sighed with relief.

"So how were things for you, coming up here to meet me? Tell me your thoughts"

"I thought you would never ask"

He laughed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well I was very nervous and anxious to see you. I feel like even though you know someone from conversations and digitally, it is hard to know if that chemistry will be replicated in person. I also was nervous that maybe my true personality or even yours would not come through right away because of nerves. I didn't want to feel like I was stepping on egg shells. Or as you always say, I didn't want to portray someone who wasn't my true self"

"True. I was a little nervous as well. I just wasn't sure if I had planned enough for us to do. I wasn't sure if our conversation and chemistry would translate in person. But I think it definitely did. I enjoyed the entire day"

"As did I.  You are even more handsome than I thought. I felt very protected next to you. As a woman that is a wonderful feeling"

"Oh really?"

"Really" I smirked.

"Well you had way more sex appeal than I was ready for. I think all of your pictures are beautiful, but in person I found you enticing."

"How so?"

"I don't know. I don't want to call you a tease, but I think maybe you have been studying The Art of Seduction. I definitely felt like you knew just how much to give before you would pull back, making me want you that much more."

"Haha, I have the book but I have not read it. But yes, I also did not know we would end up having sex. Like I knew it was always a possibility because of the nature of my visit. But I struggled with understanding if you would be expecting it or not. But, for the record, I did not pursue sex for those reasons. I pursued it because... in the simplest terms I wanted you."

"I'm glad you feel that way. I also was not sure where we would stand with that. But in no ways was I expecting it just because you traveled here and I wouldn't have expected if I traveled to see you either. I just considered it a possibility but my main priority was to keep you entertained and keep you comfortable."

"I think it’s safe to say you achieved just that."

The next few weeks flew by it seemed. I slowly let other suitors fall by the wayside as my interest for Walt started to transform into something bigger than I had anticipated. I had not felt this way since Sean. I put it all on the line for Sean. I gave him my heart, my love, shit I gave him my sanity.  Everything about Walt I wanted, even the things I thought I didn’t want I wanted.

I spoke to Walt almost nightly. I was both mystified and frustrated by his laid back approach to our growing relationship. He was a different speed than I was used to.  I had grown accustomed to loving, sensual and emotional cyclone relationships. I loved a little trouble. It made the relationship sweeter. I liked to fall hard in relationships and I preferred that my man fell with me. So talking to Walt was different. He was more reserved. He both frustrated and excited me.

I genuinely feel like one of my purposes in life is to love. And in my quest for love I ride out thrill after thrill, chasing the heart swallowing pleasure.